Friday, May 14, 2010
Summer 2010: What Kind of Moviegoer Are YOU?
With all of the reboots, remakes and sequels blooming on multiplexes and Imax screens everywhere, Summer 2010 is shaping up to be the most original movie-season in ages. So in order to decipher what’s what in this parade of quality (in reverse), I thought I’d offer this handy movie-goer’s guide:
MOVIEGOER’S GUIDE: SUMMER 2010
*If you go to see IRON MAN 2, then you are a schmoo. Because every schmoo and their grandmother, too, will run to see IRON MAN 2. So why not you, you fuckin’ schmoo!
*If you’re up to no good, go see ROBIN HOOD. It opens this week against week 2 of IRON MAN 2. So give my regards to the empty seats and crickets. Tell the projectionist I said “Shalom!”
*If you’re an unmarried old crow, off to SEX AND THE CITY 2 you will go! Four two hours, you can watch the four ancient ladies have hot flashes and flashbacks to the SEX AND THE CITY TV series, when they used to have fun. Don’t forget your rocking chair and Countrytime lemonade, old maid!
*If you’re a little shit, go see THE KARATE KID, because that movie is for little shits. What’s that, little shit? At school, you’re being bullied and hit? Then run and hide inside the theater playing KARATE KID, you little shit! Man, if you were here, I’d punch you in the tit!
*If you’re a piece of dreck, go see the latest SHREK! It’s subtitled “The Final Chapter.” One should hope!
*If you’re a pretentious pretender, your movie is THE LAST AIRBENDER. Bored this movie will render people of any gender!
*If you’re hiding from your creditors, run and see PREDATORS. Because it’ll hit the $1 theater a week after it opens and that won’t pinch your pocketbook!
*If you’re a pathetic awkward teen girl, give TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE a whirl. You’ll never get to fuck Robert Pattinson in a million years, but ain’t it nice to dream, pathetic little awkward teen?
*If you’re lacking sex, go see JONAH HEX. It co-stars Megan Fox, so later that evening, you can roll your rocks!
*If you’re an alternative comics geek, it’s SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE UNIVERSE you seek! But see it opening week, because it may not be in theaters the following week, you goddamn comics geek!
*What’s that you ask? What about li’l ol’ me? Oh, I’m going to see DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS, aw, shucks! Unfortunately, I can’t think of a pejorative for the people seeing DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS. Saw-wee!